


If I Had Known Then

by VestalVirgin



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 03:50:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VestalVirgin/pseuds/VestalVirgin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the episode Timeless, Harry Kim receives a message from his future.  What if a second message had been embedded in the temporal transmission to Seven?  The future Chakotay decides to force the issue between his younger self and Kathryn Janeway.  Will they finally say everything that should have been said?</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Had Known Then

**Author's Note:**

> Star Trek: Voyager and the characters in this story belong to Paramount. The events in the story and any errors are mine.

 

Janeway found Ensign Kim sitting in the mess hall trying to make sense of what had gone wrong during their brief slipstream travel.  The drive was being dismantled until the technology could be perfected, and Kim was determined to keep trying.

The Captain sat next to him and informed him that Seven of Nine had found an encoded message embedded in the transmission she received through her neural transceiver.  Apparently, that transmission had saved the ship from destruction and the crew from an icy death.  Kim and Chakotay had survived in the shuttlecraft and made it to earth, but it was a future they could not accept.  They spent years trying to change that future until they finally succeeded.  Kim knew it was his calculation error that caused the disaster.  He was having a hard time accepting the Captain’s assurances that he had also been the one to alter time itself to save them.

Kathryn handed him a data storage device containing the encoded message.  “It is from Harry Kim to Harry Kim.”  She left him at the table and started toward her quarters.  She had a second device in her hand that she had attempted to conceal from the ensign.  She had not told him there was another encoded message in the transmission, this one from Chakotay to her.  In fact, she had not revealed its existence even to Chakotay yet.  Seven was the only other person who knew about the second message, and Kathryn had ordered her to silence.  Whatever was contained in the transmission, a future Chakotay had felt it important enough to piggyback on the temporal wave, encrypted to her and her alone.

Kathryn entered her personal quarters and placed the device on her desk.  She removed her captain’s jacket and laid it on her bed, then went to the replicator and ordered coffee.  It had been a long, tension-filled day and even though it was getting late, she needed the comfort of her favorite drink.  Finally, she sat in her desk chair and downloaded the message to her computer.  Chakotay’s face startled her when she began the playback.  He was older, his hair peppered with gray, lines etched across his face and a hardness in his eyes she had never seen before.  He looked worn, sterner, as if this future Chakotay had lived a much more trying existence than the gentle, kind face she knew in “her” Chakotay.  When she recovered from the shock of seeing him, she started the playback again, this time listening to his words.

An hour later, Kathryn was still staring at her screen, her coffee almost untouched.  Her mind was a storm of questions and uncertainties.  The message was less than a minute long.  She had watched it three times, and then played the words over and over again in her head as she paced the room from the desk to the sofa, around the table and back to the data screen.  Finally, she decided there was only one thing to do.  “Janeway to Chakotay, please come to my quarters.”

The words came out sharper than she intended and they startled Chakotay.  “What’s wrong, Kathryn?” he asked with concern. 

She tried to soften her voice, to slow the whirlwind of her thoughts.  “Nothing is wrong.  I will explain when you arrive.”

“Of course,” he answered.  “I’ll be right there.” 

He was at her door within two minutes.  She heard the chime and called him in.  He was in his uniform pants and blue-gray shirt, just as she was.  “Good,” she said to him.  “You weren’t asleep.  I didn’t realize the late hour when I called you here.” 

“No, I wasn’t asleep,” he assured her.  “I guess I am still wound up from everything that happened today.  I think we have crossed from late hour to early hour by now.” 

She was silent, seeming to stare at him and through him at the same time.  Her expression was one of worry and contemplation, as she looked when about to make a major decision concerning the ship.  He thought her eyes looked red, but maybe she was just tired.  When she still did not say anything after several seconds, he broke the silence.

“Kathryn, you said nothing was wrong, but that clearly isn’t true.  What is it?”

She took a deep breath, opened her mouth, closed it again, then finally spoke.  “You know about the message that Harry received embedded in the transmission to Seven.  What you don’t know is that there was a second encoded message.”

He raised his eyebrows and questioned her, “What message?  Who was it for?  Or from?”

She looked away from him to the display screen on her desk.  “It was from you.  To me.  I think you need to hear it.  You deserve to know what it says.”

She waved him to sit down in her desk chair and called up the message.  She quickly stepped back to the couch, sitting down with one leg stretched along the cushion so she could look out the window, away from him.  “Computer,” she instructed.  “Begin playback.”

Chakotay saw his face, his older face, on the screen.  He studied it curiously before the words began and he heard his own voice say, “Kathryn.  I have to keep this brief.  There is an old, earth saying that if I had known then what I know now, I would have done things differently.  Well, I do know, Kathryn, and I cannot allow myself to live another life without you as I have had to do these last fifteen years.  So, I am telling you this because I know that in your time frame, I won’t do it.  I am in love with you, Kathryn.  Please give me the chance to tell you.  I cannot bear another life without you in it.”

That was it.  The message ended.  Chakotay was stunned and sat staring at the screen, the shock of his words reeling his mind.  He felt betrayed.  By his own self, no less!  Why? Why did I do that to myself?  To her?  He wanted to scream.  He felt tears welling up in his eyes and panic tightening his chest.  He wanted to run, to get away from her and from himself, to escape somewhere the words were still unsaid.  He found he couldn’t move.  “Great Spirits, what have I done?” he thought to himself.

Kathryn continued to stare out the window, allowing him time and silence to process what he had heard.  After several minutes, she finally turned her head to look at him.  She could see the same storm of emotions playing across his face that she had felt.  She also saw the same tears glistening in his eyes.  Quietly, she rose from the sofa and crossed the room to him.  She came up beside him and placed her hand on his shoulder.  “Chakotay,” she said softly.

He turned his head away from her.  Her touch on his shoulder only made it harder to blink back the tears.  “What have I done,” he thought to himself again.  He had to say something, but what?  What could he possibly say?

Kathryn pushed lightly on his shoulder to swing the chair around so he was facing her.  Not wanting to loom over him, she knelt down and laid her fingers gently on his knees.  She knew the answer to her question before she asked it.  That answer was clearly written in the fear on his face, but she asked anyway.  “Chakotay,” she whispered.   “Is it true?”

He slowly turned his head to face her, but he still wouldn’t look her in the eye.  He dropped his gaze to his lap, to her delicate hands resting on his knees, and took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry, Kathryn,” he said, his voice ragged.  “I don’t know why I did that.  I should never have sent that message.  I am so sorry!” 

She reached up slowly and placed her fingertips under his chin, lifting his head so he would look at her.  When he finally raised his eyes to her, she said, “You obviously felt it was important.  You had lived fifteen years into the future, fifteen years of new experiences, new information, new knowledge gained, and a whole life we know nothing about.  But out of all those years, all of the things you could have said to us, to me, this was the one thing you felt was most important of all.  It’s okay, Chakotay, just please tell me, is it true?”

He started to deny it, wanting desperately to keep his feelings locked away as he had struggled so hard to do for all this time.  But when he remembered the image he had seen in the message, his face aged and hardened, and he tried to imagine what a life without her would be like, he couldn’t do it.  Just to imagine that life chilled him to the bone and filled him with dread.  Obviously, a life without Kathryn was not a life worth living.  He didn’t trust his voice, so he simply nodded his head. 

Kathryn squeezed his knees lightly and then stood up.  She went to the replicator, intending to order another coffee since hers was ice cold.  She decided they both needed something stronger, so instead she reached for the bottle of red wine on the shelf beside the replicator, poured two glasses, and carried them over to the sofa.  “Come sit with me,” she said.  “We need to discuss this.”

Chakotay fought the urge to turn and run out the door.  No, he wouldn’t do that to her.  There was no escaping what had been said, what he had just admitted.  He had to face it, to face her, and find a way to deal with the consequences.  “Damn you, Chakotay!” he shouted in his mind as he went to sit beside her.  He took the wine from her gratefully and downed half of it before setting it on the low table in front of him.  He had his tears under control, but his emotions were another matter.  Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees and his head down, he muttered again, “I’m sorry, Kathryn.”

“Please,” she said, “don’t apologize.  Not for this.  Not for loving me.” 

“Did she really just say that?” he thought to himself.  Having overcome the initial shock, he was growing angry with himself for sending the transmission, with her for showing it to him, with the whole situation and her insistence on protocol that had kept them apart for the last four years.  He tried to keep his voice under control, emotionless.  “I don’t know what to say.”

She slid over and placed her hand on his back.  “Tell me why.”

“I don’t know why I sent that message.”

“That’s not what I mean,” she said, leaning her shoulder into his.  “Tell me why you love me.”  She felt him take a deep breath, his muscles under her hand tensed and tight.  “And please look at me,” she asked him. 

He did look at her, and it was too much for him.  He shrugged her hand off his back and sprang up, twirling to fully face her.  “Damn it, Kathryn, what do you want from me?  You can’t tell me this is a big surprise to you!”  He was shouting at her, but he couldn’t control it.  He didn’t want to control it.  “The whole damn ship knows how I feel about you.  _You_ know how I feel about you.  Choosing to ignore that knowledge does not make it go away, no matter how much you want it to!”

Kathryn was taken aback by his vehemence.  In the space of a few short minutes, she had managed to hurt him, and hurt him badly.  She could hear it in his voice, see it in his face and the tautness of his body.  Why hadn’t she understood what would happen before she played that message for him?  She should have known, but it had been his choice of words in the transmission that made her call him.  “I…  I don’t know what I want.  I don’t know what I expected.”  She pointed to the computer on her desk.  “I do know, have known, that you love me.  But you said you were ‘in love’ with me.  To me, there is big difference.”

“Hell, Kathryn, do you think I don’t know that?”  He paced the floor from her sofa to the wall and back again.  “I have loved women before.  I can honestly say that until this, this whatever it is between us, I realized I had never been ‘in’ love.  But it doesn’t matter!”  His voice continued to rise in volume.  “That distinction makes no difference when you won’t even acknowledge it, much less allow it.  Well, I live with it every day.  There are 150 other people on this ship, and you are the only one I ache to see every day.  Yours is the only smile that can stop my heart in my chest.  Your touch, no matter how brief, quickens me in a way no other’s ever has.  And I hate myself for it!” 

Kathryn stood and went to him and tried to reach out to his shoulder as she did so often.  He jerked away from her, though, and stared down at her, the volatility of his emotions turning his eyes to black. 

“Don’t patronize me, Kathryn,” he spat.  “I am not one of your crewmen having a bad day and needing comfort.  You wanted to give me the chance to tell you?  Well, there you have it, all laid out nice and neat for you to play with like you have always done!”  He spun on his heels and started for the door.  She had been standing so close to him that he accidentally clipped her with his shoulder and she fell back onto the couch.  He paused for a microsecond in sudden fear that he had hurt her, but when he saw her land on the cushion he kept going.

“Chakotay, wait!” she yelled out to him.  “Please, wait!”  He was already in the corridor, the doors closing behind him, when he heard the tears in her voice.  “Come back to me!” 

He found himself standing in the middle of the hallway in front of her door unable to make a decision which direction to go.  His chest was heaving, his hands balled into fists at his sides.  She had sprung this on him, forced this situation, with no warning whatsoever.  He felt like a cornered animal.  But something in the way she had touched him, in the tears in her voice as she pleaded for him to “come back to her,” made him pause.  He forcibly steadied his breathing and unclenched his fists, willing his mind and his muscles to let go of the anger and begin to calm.  He had not meant to knock her down.  What if she had been hurt after all?  “Damn you, Chakotay,” he whispered to himself again.

Kathryn was trying to untangle her feet and stand back up, but the tears wouldn’t stop.  The more she wrestled to get out of the awkward position she had landed in, the harder she cried.  Finally, she managed to uncross her boot heels and spring up.  With a sob, she swept up a wine glass off the table and hurled it at the wall.  The crash came at the same time as her door chime.  “Come!” she commanded. 

Chakotay entered and stopped just far enough inside for the door to close again.  They remained that way for what seemed an eternity, both of them breathing hard, her eyes a steel blue and his flint black as they glared at each other across the room.  The tears still streamed down her cheeks but she did not even try to wipe them away.  Finally, their breathing became more regular, her crying slowed, and their faces softened.  Chakotay took a deep, steadying breath and looked at the shards of glass all over the floor.  “I wish I had thought of that,” he said.  He managed a ghost of a smile as he asked, “Can I do the other one?”

Kathryn flashed him her infamous, mischievous half-grin.  She flopped back down onto the sofa and put her head in her hands, then roughly brushed her fingers across each cheek.  “Only if you pour me another glass first,” she answered. 

He went to the shelf and poured her another glass of wine, carrying the bottle with him to refill his own still sitting on the table.  He went back to the doorway and began picking up the larger shards scattering the floor, putting them on the replicator to be recycled.  He turned to her to ask where her vacuum was and saw her rubbing her collar bone where his shoulder had caught her.  He quickly went to her and knelt down.  “Are you okay?  I’m sorry, it was an accident.” 

“I know,” she said softly.  She looked at him, her eyes back to their sparkling cobalt blue color.  “I’m fine.”  He touched it lightly, wanting to make sure he hadn’t cracked the bone since he had been so angry at the time, he could not remember how hard he had actually run into her.  When his fingers touched the spot she had been rubbing, she winced and sucked in her breath.  Chakotay was really concerned now.

“Come on,” he told her.  “We’re going to sickbay.”  She tried to tell him it was just a bruise, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.  He tended to forget how small in stature Kathryn really was, and his muscular build outweighed her by close to a hundred pounds.  Finally, she stood up and allowed him to lead her toward sickbay.  She was masking the pain, but he could tell she was hurting by the way she held that arm close to her side as they walked.

When they arrived in sickbay, Chakotay thanked his gods that no other crew members were present.  The Doctor came out of his office and grabbed his medical tricorder as Kathryn perched on a bio-bed.   “It’s her left clavicle,” Chakotay told the Doctor.

“What happened?” The Doctor asked. 

Chakotay looked terrified, like he had been caught kicking a small dog, or maybe a small child.  Kathryn spoke up quickly.  “Just an accident, Doctor.  Please, just fix it.”

The Doctor scanned the bone and the tissue around it.  “I don’t see any fractures, but you do have a deep bone contusion consistent with a sharp blow.  What, exactly, were you doing?”

Kathryn said in her Captain’s voice, “Like I said, it was an accident.”

The Doctor looked up from the tricorder readings at her and then at Chakotay.  They both had reddened eyes, their heart rates and blood pressure were elevated, they had a small amount of alcohol in their systems, and Chakotay looked like a quiet “boo” would make him jump out of his skin.  What was going on here?

The Doctor picked up the regenerator and began repairing the injury.  While he was working, he told Kathryn in his own stern voice, “Captain, you know that I have to enter all injuries and treatments into my logs, particularly when those injuries involve you.  I really must insist you explain.”

Kathryn started to say something, but Chakotay cut her off.  “It’s my fault, Doctor.”  He put his head in his hand and continued, “We were arguing.  I was angry and turned to leave, and when I did I accidentally hit her with my shoulder.  I didn’t know how hard I had clipped her.  We didn’t realize for several minutes that she was even hurt.  Gods, Kathryn, I’m so sorry.  All I seem to be doing to tonight is apologizing to you.” 

The Doctor looked back to Kathryn, concern evident on his face.  “Is this true, Captain?  Or did he assault you?”

Kathryn’s eyes went wide at the Doctor’s accusation.  “No, absolutely not Doctor.  He did not assault me!  It was exactly as he said, as I tried to tell you.  It was an accident.”

Kathryn reached out and pulled Chakotay’s hand away from his face so she could see him.  “I’m okay.  Really,” she said reassuringly.  He looked into her eyes, pleading with her to forgive him.  She still had a grip on his hand, and he felt her slowly pulling it to her.  She placed his hand on her cheek and leaned into his palm, her gaze locked with his.  They stayed that way, lost in each other, until they heard the Doctor clear his throat to get their attention. 

“It would seem that the argument is over,” the Doctor said dryly.  “I have healed the scene of the accident but you may feel some soreness for a day or two.  I suggest you return to your quarters and get some rest.  And Commander,” he directed at Chakotay, “please be more careful the next time you decide to storm out of a room.” 

Chakotay was still so disturbed by what he had done that he didn’t catch the joke.  “I will, Doctor,” he nodded emphatically.  “Thank you.”  Both the Doctor and Kathryn smirked at his seriousness. 

Kathryn slid off the bio-bed.  “We can trust your discretion,” she said to the Doctor in a part statement, part question. 

“Of course, Captain,” he assured her.  “As I said, I do have to enter it in my logs, but I think I can do so in a way that will not compromise your privacy.  Or the Commander’s.” 

“Thank you, Doctor,” she said.  She took Chakotay’s arm and led him out of sickbay and back to her quarters.  They still had a lot to talk about, and a mess to clean up.  

 

************************************************

Kathryn entered her quarters but noticed that Chakotay paused just outside.  She stepped back to the door so it wouldn’t close between them and reached out her hand to him.  “Please come back in,” she said.

“Are you sure you want me to?” he asked, his worry evident.

She managed a small smile.  “Yes, I’m sure.  Please, Chakotay.”

He didn’t take her hand, but he did step into the room and pause beside her.  She looked down at the shining glass littering the carpet.  “Nice one, Kathryn,” she said out loud.  With a sigh, she went to the small closet and retrieved the vacuum.  Chakotay reached for it, but she kept her grip.  “I’ve got it.  Thank you.”

“Let me do it for you,” he said, glancing at her collar bone. 

She knew he was still feeling guilty about injuring her, no matter how accidental it had been.  She rolled her shoulder in a couple of small circles.  “I told you, I am fine.  It’s all healed.”  Trying to distract him, she said with a smile, “Why don’t you get us something else to drink.  I think maybe we should stay away from the alcohol this time.”

He went to the table and retrieved their glasses and the bottle.  While she cleaned up the mess, he replaced the wine bottle on the shelf, washed up the glasses, and then ordered them both hot tea.  He sat down on the sofa and pushed himself into the corner against the armrest.  His body was tired, but his mind was still caught up in a vortex.  He watched her, the love of his life who now knew in no uncertain terms his feelings, and wondered what she was thinking.  He saw the wisps of hair falling across her face, the curve of her neck, that strong profile he had surreptitiously admired from his command chair so many times.  He leaned his head back against the cushion and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to make sense of everything that had happened in the space of a couple of hours.  As Seven would say, trying to bring order to chaos. 

Kathryn had been watching him out of the corner of her eye, hoping that her hair and the angle of her squatting position would hide her gaze from him.  She had insisted on cleaning up the glass herself for the distraction of it while she pulled together her thoughts.  When she saw him lay his head back, she knew it was time to once again attempt to face him.  She finished the cleaning and placed the vacuum back in the closet.  She walked to the other side of the sofa, but before sitting down she pulled her shirt tail the rest of the way out since it was already partly un-tucked from her bending over.  When she sat down and looked him, she saw that he had one eye open, watching her.

She smiled shyly and said, “I didn’t think you would notice.”

He opened the other eye and turned his head, still leaning against the cushion, to look at her.  “I always notice you, Kathryn.”

“I am sorry, Chakotay,” she said softly.  “I should have gone about this differently.  I should have put more thought into it before I called you here.  I just reached the point when I couldn’t think anymore.  I didn’t know what to do.”

He sighed and said, “I know.  I wish I, he, the future me, had not put you in this position, had not put us in this position.  I guess diplomacy is not something I will be very good at in the future.”

“Have I truly hurt you that badly these past years?  Do you really feel like I have played with your emotions?”  She glanced up at him in time to see the inner pain tighten his face before he stilled it again. 

“I don’t know,” he answered.  “Maybe.  Sometimes.  It hurts to be pushed away, to be locked out when the only thing I have wanted to do is love you.  You blame it on protocol, but there have been plenty of times when you have bent protocols to save this ship and its crew.  I admit there are times when I wish you would bend them to save me.”

“I didn’t realize…” she started then stopped.  She took a sip of her tea then started again.  “I didn’t realize how strongly you felt, or how it affected you.  I think I just assumed that you would grow tired of me eventually.  I don’t know.  In retrospect, I suppose I tried not to think about it.”

“Tell me one thing, Kathryn,” his voice said.  “Has there ever been a time when you loved me, or had any feelings for me?”

She studied his face and attempted to formulate an answer that would not hurt him further.  He saw right through it, and before she could say anything, he lifted his head from the cushion and looked her in the eye.  “The truth, Kathryn.  It doesn’t matter what you think I want to hear.  Tell me the truth.”

She nodded her head and said quietly, “Yes.  I have denied those feelings both to myself and you because I feel like I don’t deserve it.  I don’t deserve you.  And as time has passed and I have continued to push you away, the less worthy of you I feel.  I hide behind protocols and Star Fleet regulations because they are my foundation out here.  They are the solid footing that pushes me out of bed each morning and keeps me from crumbling under the pressure of Voyager and her crew.  I am the reason we are out here, Chakotay.  It was my decision that stranded us in the Delta Quadrant, and the guilt of that decision means that I have to put everything else ahead of myself.  I don’t deserve to be happy until I get this crew home.” 

Tears were welling in her eyes for the third time that night and she wiped at them in frustration.  The only way through this was to forge ahead.  She steadied her voice and said, “I do love you, Chakotay.  I just don’t know how.”

Chakotay reached across the cushion and gently took her hand in his.  “You do deserve to be happy, Kathryn.  Your crew is happy.  You don’t to get see them as I do.  Voyager is not just a starship with a crew compliment.  We are a family, and you are the head of this family.  They look to you for guidance and for leadership.  But they also look at you with sadness sometimes.  They want you to be happy, and they know that you keep yourself set apart from it. 

“Look at everything we have been through together!  All the obstacles we have overcome, the battles we have won.”  He gripped her hand a little tighter.  “I hate to bruise your ego, but they don’t fight as well and as hard as they do together for you.  At least, not just for you.  They fight for their home and their family; for this ship and their fellow crew members that they have bonded with, believe in, and protect just as fiercely as you protect them.  You gave them that. 

“It may not have been anyone’s plan to get stranded out here in the Delta Quadrant, but they have made the most of it, and they are happy.  They have discovered a depth of strength, of character, of heart and mind that most of them never knew they had.  You believed in them, so they began to believe in themselves, and eventually in each other and in you.  Your crew loves you, Kathryn.”  He chuckled softly.  “The cubs are free to play and learn and grow because they know they are safe and secure with Mama Janeway.”

Her brow furrowed as she asked incredulously, “ _Mama_ Janeway?  The _cubs_?” 

He laughed again.  “It is a little joke among the crew, but it is also the truth.  Nobody messes with Mama Janeway’s cubs and gets away with it.  And they love you for it.”  He saw her face soften and the corner of her mouth curl upward at the analogy.

“As long you don’t start calling me Mama Janeway,” she laughed.

Still smiling, he deepened his voice and teased, “Oh, I can promise you that is not what I think when I think of you.”  He slid across the couch until his leg was resting against hers.  He laid his arm along the back of the cushion, along her shoulder and neck, and with his other hand he lifted her face to his and softly wiped the trail left by her tears away from her cheek with his thumb.  He stared into her eyes and let all the feelings he held for her wash over him as he told her, “You deserve to be happy, and I can make you happy if you will let me.  You deserve to be loved just as they are, if you would only accept it.”

He could still see little lines of worry around her eyes.  He took a chance and softly brushed his fingertips along her brow and down her cheek.  When he felt her head tilt slightly, he cupped her cheek and held it there, feeling her lean into his palm as she had done earlier in sick bay.  She closed her eyes and opened her heart to his gentle touch.  She put her hand over his, holding it there for a moment before pulling it away from her face.  She threaded her fingers through his and pressed their palms together as the memory of their life on New Earth came to her.  She had been happy there with him toward the end, before the ship returned and brought her back to the Captain’s chair that kept her duty bound to her fear and guilt.

She opened her eyes and looked at him.  “I meant what I said.  I do love you, Chakotay.  So what do we do now?  I saw the future Chakotay and what the loss of his love did to him.  If he couldn’t live another life without me, I don’t want to live this life without you.  You are too important to me.”

Chakotay’s breath caught in his throat as he listened to her.  He looked into her deep blue eyes and saw the truth of her words there.  “You asked why I love you.  I love you because you are my Kathryn and apparently, no amount of time will change that.  Hearing that message, I cannot imagine what my, what that Chakotay’s, life was like all those years without you,” he continued.  “I think the only thing that kept him going was the thought that he could find you and somehow bring you back to him.  Why else transmit that message?  I want to be mad at him, at myself, but I cannot.  As shocking as it was, I think he did us a favor.  He couldn’t have known what your reaction would be.  But the love he felt for you, the love I feel, was more real and more vital to him than anything else.  He was right: A world without Kathryn Janeway in it is a world I don’t want to live in.”

He trailed his fingers along the back of her neck and through her hair.  “I think I want to kiss you,” he said softly.

She felt a flush steal through her neck and cheeks.  She could outwit the Kazon, blow up a room full of macroviruses, and stare down the most hostile aliens intent on destroying her ship, but the thought of kissing Chakotay made her blush like a teenager.  She realized he was actually waiting for her permission.  “For Gods’ sake, you are not a school girl,” she berated herself.  “Be a woman, Kathryn.” She leaned into him and softly pressed her lips to his.  She felt his hand on the back of her neck pull her to him as his other hand let go of hers and wrapped around her shoulder.  It was a long, slow kiss that spoke volumes between them, her barriers finally dropping one by one and accepting the man she had tried so hard to guard against. 

She could feel the passion building between them, and it scared her.  She broke the kiss and leaned back slightly, searching his dark eyes for any doubt or regret.  Finding none, she shifted lower on the couch cushion, raised her legs to drape them over his knees, and lay her head on his chest.  He rested his cheek on her head and held her in his arms, never wanting to let go.  They were both exhausted from the emotional turmoil of the last few hours, and soon they were asleep in each other’s arms, their chests rising and falling in time with the other, their fears and confusions chased away by the beating of their joined hearts.  

 

 **************************************************************

 

Kathryn was slowly pulled from sleep by a tickling sensation on her side.  She reached up to scratch it and realized she was scratching Chakotay’s finger.  Somehow in his sleep, he had managed to slide his hand under her shirt and it was now resting on the bare skin of her ribs.  She smiled to herself.  At least, she assumed he had done it in his sleep.  She slowly pulled is hand down and worked her way out of his arm and off his lap.  The clock read 0530 hours.  She knew he usually didn’t get up until 0600, so that would give her a half hour to take a shower and get dressed before she had to wake him. 

She stretched her back, which was not happy with the awkward position she had been in, and headed for the bathroom.  Her eyes were dry and scratchy from her crying but she felt unusually chipper this morning.  When she reached her bedroom doorway, she turned and glanced back at the sleeping form of Chakotay and knew he was the reason for her light mood.  As explosive and heart rending as the night had been, at the end of it they had managed to find each other.  She smiled again and whispered in his direction, “I do love you, you know.” 

After her shower, she wrapped a towel around herself and secured the corner under her arm.  She brushed her teeth, tried to cover the dark circles under eyes with makeup, and was combing out her hair when she heard his voice behind her.  “I’ve always liked that look on you,” he said. 

With a gasp, she whirled around to face him, her hand flying up to keep the towel in place.  He was leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest, grinning widely and a twinkle in his eye.  Self-conscious, she gave him a shy smile and said, “Um, good morning.” 

“Good morning, my love.” 

His words chased away her fears again and she stepped to him, still in the towel, and rose up on her toes to kiss him.  He clasped her bare shoulders and pulled her to him, the warmth of his hands on her skin sending a tingle through her body.  She laid her head against his chest, her hands running up and down the strong muscles along his sides.  She kissed him again then stepped away.  “I should get dressed,” she said.  “We have bridge duty soon.”

He kept his hands on her shoulders, but he didn’t try to pull her back or let his hands roam.  He knew she was feeling vulnerable both physically and emotionally, and he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.  “I’ll go to my quarters and get ready,” he told her.  He leaned forward and kissed her forehead then started for the door. 

“Chakotay,” she called.

He turned back around to the sight of her standing there in her towel, her bare calves, tapered ankles and dainty feet drawing his eyes down her body.  “Have dinner here with me tonight?” she asked.

He nodded his head, not trusting his voice in the way the image of her was affecting him, and left her quarters.

Bridge duty was uneventful that day as the warp core was still being refitted and diagnostics completed on all ship systems to make sure the slipstream travel had not caused unexpected problems.  Perhaps, she brushed his arm or shoulder a couple of times more than usual, and he may have turned to her and smiled boyishly once or twice more, but no one seemed to notice. 

She left the bridge before he did so she could check in with B’Ellana in engineering and Seven in astrometrics.  On her way back from the astrometrics lab, she saw the Doctor coming toward her in the corridor.  He stopped when he reached her and nodded a hello.  After looking to see if anyone else was near, he asked, “Captain, is your clavicle alright?” 

“It’s fine, Doctor,” she said.  “No pain.”

“Ah, good,” he said. 

“Out for a stroll, Doctor?” she asked.

“Alas, no,” he answered.  “Seven still hates to come in for her weekly maintenance, so I am, on occasion, forced to make a house call.”

Kathryn smiled, her face a little softer, her eyes a bit brighter than he had seen in a while.

“If I may say so, Captain, you look very happy today.”

She blushed.  “I am, Doctor.”

He checked the corridor again.  “May I assume this has something to do with your early morning visit to sick bay with Commander Chakotay?  Did you two finally fight it out and profess your love for one another?”

Kathryn gasped.  “It really was an accident, Doctor.”

“No, I believe you.  That was not what I meant.  He said you two had been arguing.  Given your display in sick bay, and your glow today, it is clear some things were worked out between the two of you.”  He rested his hand gently on her forearm.  “Captain, I am your Chief Medical Officer, but I am also your friend.  I am happy for you.  He does love you very much, you know.” 

Kathryn laughed softly.  “He was right.  The whole damn ship knows.”

The Doctor squeezed her arm and quipped, “I cannot say that with certainty, but it is clear to anyone with a brain.”

“Please, Doctor, keep this between us for now.  This is very new for me and it is going to take some getting used to.”

“Of course, Captain.  But if I may be so bold, you deserve this.  If you will just allow yourself to accept it, accept him, I think you will see that.”

“So I’ve been told,” she said softly. 

“Sick bay is always open if you need to talk.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” she said as she started down the corridor again. 

When she arrived at her quarters, she had about an hour left before Chakotay would be there for dinner.  She ordered a coffee from the replicator and sat on the sofa gazing out the window.  It all seemed unreal to her, but so very solid at the same time.  In less than 24 hours she had been forced to confront what she had hidden from for years and discovered that she was tired of hiding.  She tried to recall just when it was that she had fallen in love with him, but she couldn’t pin it down.  It had been a gradual thing, growing as she got to know him and worked side-by-side with him every day.  New Earth had served to solidify those feelings, but she had known something was there even before they had been abandoned on the planet. 

She ran her hand along the cushion beside her where he had been sitting, holding her as they slept.  She smiled again at the memory of finding his hand under her shirt.  She would have to ask him if that had been intentional or if he had done it in his sleep.  She found herself sort of hoping that it had been intentional.

She tapped her com badge and spoke into it, “Janeway to Chakotay.”

“Yes, Kathryn?” he asked.  He quickly followed with, “I am in my quarters, alone.” 

She relaxed her voice then.  “Chakotay, I think casual dress is preferable for this evening.  Let’s leave the uniforms out of it.”

“Changing now, dear,” he answered.  “And the champagne is chilling.”  He heard the lightness in her tone as she told him not to be late.

She finished her coffee and went to her bedroom to change.  She found a simple, gray dress that she had sometimes worn on New Earth and decided upon it, hoping that he would remember both the dress and feelings they had shared.   She fussed with her hair, was unsatisfied with her makeup, couldn’t seem to get the skirt of her dress to lay just right, and finally realized she was growing more nervous the closer it got to dinner time.  “Really, Kathryn!” she said out loud.  “It is just dinner with Chakotay.”  Now, though, his name meant so much more to her than just her First Officer and friend.

He arrived right on time with champagne as promised.  She laughed to herself when she saw that he, too, was dressed in a shirt that she remembered him wearing on New Earth.  He set the bottle on the table and stopped in front of her.  “You look beautiful,” he said as he leaned over to kiss her cheek.  Smiling, she gave him a hug, loving the feel of his soft shirt.  She felt his arms wrap around her, his hand coming to rest in almost the exact spot on her ribs as had awoken her that morning. 

She giggled, and he pulled back from her, looking at her questioningly.  “When I woke up this morning,” she said, “your hand was under my shirt in that same place.  I was meaning to ask you whether you had done it on purpose.” 

Chakotay grinned at her and winked.  “I’m sure you would like to know.”

She laughed and playfully swatted his arm, her nervousness slipping away.  “You pour the champagne while I retrieve dinner.”

They were enjoying themselves, the light meal and easy laughter serving to further relax her.  She told him about her conversation with the Doctor, and he was delighted that she did not seem embarrassed or affronted by the Doctor figuring things out.  His boyish charm worked its magic over her and she soon found herself wanting to touch him, to feel him as she had last night.  She reached across the table and laid her hand atop his, a thrill running up her arm when his fingers closed around hers.  He set down his glass and used the pressure on her hand to guide her out of her chair and around the table to him.  She sat on his lap and he wrapped his arms around her, looking up into her eyes.  No words were needed as she leaned down to kiss him, her heart quickening in her chest.  She felt the tip of his tongue lightly play against her lips, and she parted them for him, feeling his tongue circle hers gently, softly.  She leaned into him further and brought her hands up to his head, running her fingers under his short hair. 

His hand caressed her back then slid down her side to her hip, pulling her into the electricity of his touch.  She found that, unlike last night, this time the building passion did not frighten her.  She did, however, need to breathe and finally broke the kiss.  She gazed down into his dark eyes, her hands still entangled in his hair, and saw the same desire in his features.  “I love you,” she whispered to him.

“And I love you, Kathryn,” he said softly, his voice deepening.  His hand slid up from her hip slowly, his palm lightly brushing the side of her breast on its way to the back of her neck.  She inhaled deeply and lowered her mouth to his again, this time her tongue finding his as her back arched, pushing her against him.  When they parted, he slipped his hand under her knees and stood from the table, cradling her in his strong arms as he carried her to the sofa and lowered himself to the cushion, once again holding her on his lap.  He lifted her hair and kissed her neck, following the contour down to her shoulder and back up again to her earlobe. 

Kathryn closed her eyes and let the sensuality of his soft kisses wash over her.  Her hands caressed his arms, his chest, down his sides, and back up to his hair, seemingly of their own free will.  She could feel his heated skin through his shirt and she slipped her fingers down the back of his collar.  The hand on her hip glided down the side of her thigh and continued lower until he found the hem of her skirt and pushed underneath it.  He slowly ran his fingers up her bare leg, stopping just above her knee where he massaged her in smooth circles. 

She felt his lips pull away from her and he leaned his head back to look at her.  “Kathryn,” he said, his voice husky.  “You need to know that you have the control here.  We won’t do anything you don’t want to do.  I don’t want to push you.”

She could hear the blood pounding in her ears, her thigh trembling under his touch, and the tiny fires burning where his lips had been.  She strengthened her hold underneath his collar and purred, “It has been four years, Chakotay.  I think we have waited long enough.” 

He pulled her leg to him and tilted her backward in his arms, planting kisses down the V-neck of her dress.  Abruptly, he froze when Tuvok’s voice broke the silence.

“Captain, please report to the bridge.”

She sat up quickly and tapped her com badge.  “What is it, Mr. Tuvok?”

“We have a guest, Captain.”

Before she could ask who it was, she and Chakotay were standing side by side between their command chairs and the helm controls.  Disoriented, she glanced around the bridge until her eye fell on _him_ sitting in her chair.  “Q!  What are you doing here?” she demanded.

“I was in the neighborhood,” he answered.  “Can’t an old friend…”  He stopped midsentence, rose from her captain’s seat, and darted his eyes from her to Chakotay and back to her.  He squinted accusingly and pronounced, “You’re in love with him!”

“Q!” she gasped. 

“Don’t deny it.  The sparks between you two could light a dwarf star.”

“That’s enough, Q,” Chakotay’s deep voice demanded.

“I’m shocked at you, Kathy,” Q continued.  “I wasn’t a good enough mate for you, but _he_ is?”

Chakotay started toward him, but Q held up his hand.  With one last, long look at Kathryn, he turned to Chakotay.  “I’m warning you now, mister.  You hurt my Kathy, and there won’t be a corner of the universe remote enough to hide you from the wrath of the Continuum.”  And with that, Q was gone, leaving the bridge crew in stunned silence and Kathryn and Chakotay staring at each other in the middle of the room.  He waited for her lead, having no idea how they were going to get out of this one.

She wiped a hand slowly down the side of her face, put both hands on her hips, and said with a small smile, “Well, Commander?”

His eyes gleamed at her.  “Why do I feel like I have just been dressed down by my girlfriend’s father?” he asked. 

“I don’t suppose there is any point in asking the crew not to believe the word of an omnipotent being, is there?”

“Probably not,” he said, his smile growing.  “The least he could have done is returned us to our dinner.” 

She walked to the turbolift, Chakotay following close on her heels, and the door swished shut behind them.  Not once did they glance at any of the bridge officers, who continued to stare at the turbolift doors long after the command “couple” had exited. 

 

 ****************************************************************

 

Kathryn and Chakotay were laughing uncontrollably, hanging on to each other as they made their way down the corridor to her quarters.  More than one crewman passed them with an awkward glance, but they didn’t care.  After that little display on the bridge, their relationship news would be all over the ship by tomorrow morning anyway. 

They stumbled through the door to her quarters, still giggling, when Kathryn stopped with a sharp intake of breath.  On her table was the largest arrangement of flowers she had ever seen, a riot of colors and shapes and species of plants she didn’t know.  A card lay beside it, and she walked over to pick it up.  Embossed in a flowing, elegant calligraphic style were the words, “Be happy, Kathy.”  She smiled and turned to Chakotay.  “I think we have been given Q’s blessing.”

He smirked, “I’m not sure I want his blessing, but it is preferable to the wrath of the Continuum.”  He crossed the room to the table and bent over to inspect the flowers.  “I can’t even begin to identify half of these,” he said, turning the vase slowly. 

Kathryn noticed a flickering coming from the other room and started toward it when she halted in her bedroom doorway with another gasp.  He came up behind her and chuckled.  Arranged around the room were several low-burning candles.  Lying on the bed was a sheer, black negligee clearly not meant to actually cover anything, and alongside it a pair of black silk pajama bottoms.  “I’m surprised he didn’t put satin sheets on the bed,” Chakotay said.

“No, he knows better after the last time.”

“The _last_ time?”

She giggled.  “That time Q decided he wanted to mate with me, he turned my bed into a red satin monstrosity complete with heart-shaped pillows.  It was really quite atrocious.” 

Chakotay wrapped his arms around her from behind and nuzzled her neck.  “You see,” he said huskily, “if Kathryn Janeway can charm the pants off one of the most powerful beings in the universe, I never had a chance.”

She put her hands over his and leaned back into him.  “As exasperating as Q is, he really does care about us.”  She bent her knees slightly and straightened again, rubbing her body along his.  “He’s not the one I want, though.”

Chakotay groaned into her neck and pulled her tighter into him.  “I believe we were in the middle of something when we were interrupted.” 

She turned around in his arms and pulled his head down to her neck.  “About there, I think,” she sighed.  His hands slid down her body to her hips, and he gripped her and pulled her into him.  She felt his need for her pushing against her, and again she rubbed her body up and down his, a slow heat spreading from her middle to the rest of her body.  She whispered in his ear, “I want you, Chakotay.  Make love to me.” 

He kept one arm wrapped her and leaned over to sweep Q’s gifts off the bed with his other hand.  He gently stepped her backward until the back of her legs met the edge of the bed.  His hands softly cupped her cheeks and he pulled her lips to his, pressing into her, his tongue darting into her mouth over and over again until she moaned.  He broke away and gazed into her eyes while he reached behind her and found the zipper of her dress.  He paused to make sure it was what she wanted.  She barely nodded her head as she reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it upward.  He unzipped her dress then raised his arms so she could pull the shirt off.  She tossed it to the side as he reached to her shoulders and began to slide the dress off her arms and let it drop to the floor.  She reached for his the button on his pants and he took a half-step back so she could get to it, and he let his eyes roam over her body. 

She was wearing matching silk and lace bra and panties in a soft pink color.  He had never seen her wear pink, or even thought of her pale pink, but the sight of it on her made him groan with desire.  He felt his pants drop down around his feet and he stepped out of them.  He eased her back onto the bed and when she slid up to the pillows, he lay beside her.  “You are beautiful,” he told her, his voice deepened with desire.  He trailed his fingertips across her chest and down between her breasts to her stomach, watching her muscles clench under his touch.  He leaned over and kissed the top of her breast above her bra.  He felt her take a deep breath and shudder.  He looked up and was surprised to see a tear falling from the corner of her eye. 

He raised himself up so she could see his face and said quietly, “Hey, we don’t have to do this.  We can stop.” 

“No, it’s not that.”  Her voice had a quiver in it that tugged at his heart.  She caressed his arm with her fingers.  “It’s just…  Chakotay, do you really love me?”

He pressed his hand against her cheek.  “Kathryn, I have never loved anyone the way I love you.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, another tear escaping to glisten along her temple.

“For what?  What’s wrong, my love?”

“Everything.  There are so many things I have done wrong; so many times when I should have done things differently, especially for you.”

“Shhh.  Kathryn, please don’t do this to yourself.  You don’t owe me anything.  You have been everything to me.  You _are_ everything to me.  We are together now, and nothing will keep us apart again.”  He lowered his head onto the pillow and pulled her over to him.  She lay her head on his chest and he could feel her warm tears on his skin. 

Her voice shook with the emotions overwhelming her.  “I was happy with you on New Earth.  I never told you that, and I should have.  I would have been content to stay there if the crew had not found a way to rescue us.  I _wanted_ that life with you, making a home together.” 

He held her in the circle of his arms and let her cry, his heart aching at her pain but knowing this was something she needed to do.  “Kathryn, I knew.  I also understood why you couldn’t continue that life when we were rescued.  That’s all in the past now, love.  We have the chance to build a new life together here on the ship.  We don’t have to stop being Captain and Commander in order to be Kathryn and Chakotay.  We can do both.” 

After a few minutes, he felt her breathing become more regular, and she reached up with a hand to wipe her eyes.  She sat up, keeping her back to him, and slid off the bed to walk into to the bathroom.  He got up and went to the replicator for a glass of water.  When she came back, he was sitting on the end of the bed undecided if he should get dressed and sit in the other room or stay where he was.  She walked over to him and knelt on the floor in front of him, sitting back on her heels.  “I’m sorry,” she said again, her head bowed.  “If you want to leave, I understand.”

He reached under her chin and raised her head to him.  “I’m not,” he said with a soft smile.  “I’m not going anywhere, Kathryn.  I know this is scary for you.  It is a little scary for me, too.  But there is nowhere else I would rather be than here with you.  Even 15 years from now.”  He patted the bed beside him.  “Come, sit with me.”

She got off the floor and settled beside him, her leg touching his.  He put his arm around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder.  “I’m supposed to be strong,” she sighed.

He rested his chin on her head and said, “Not for me, not here.  When you leave this room, then you can be whatever you need to be.  But never behind these walls with me.  Not if you truly love me.”

She turned her face up to his.  “I do, Chakotay, more than you will ever know.  Do you really believe we can make this work?”

“What is really going change?  Other than the crew knowing we are together, nothing is really going to change in our daily routine.  We will work together just as we have always done.  I loved you the past four years and we were pretty good together.”  He brushed her hair back from her face and said, “Our jobs are who we are.  We work toward the same goal, the same dreams.  How is that going to change?” 

She kissed him on the cheek.  “I guess you are right.  We are too much the consummate Captain and Commander.  I won’t keep you from doing your job because I know how much you love it, and I know how much I depend on you to get me and Voyager through the day in one piece.  That won’t change because I can’t do my job without you.”  She gazed at him with those cobalt blues that seared his soul and said softly, “It will work because I am never letting you go.  I want to build a life with you, Chakotay, no matter where we are.” 

He pulled the covers back on the bed and slid back up to the pillows again, gently pulling her with him.  He lay behind her on his side and pulled her into the contours of his body then covered them with the sheet.  He listened to her quiet breathing, feeling her chest rise and fall under his arm, and soon they had both drifted off to sleep.

Chakotay awoke a couple of hours later to the feel of her hand making small circles on his chest.  He was on his back, and she was raised up on her elbow, her head resting in her hand, while the other explored his body.  He raised his arm and wrapped it behind her.  She leaned over and pressed her lips to his, softly, gently, her hand running down his side and back up to his chest.  Down it slid again, stronger and surer, this time along his stomach and the front of his hip.  She lifted her leg over his and pressed her body into his side.  He parted his lips and her tongue darted in, finding his and circling it briefly.  She raised her head again and the desire that darkened her eyes sent a jolt through him.  He used his hand behind her back to increase the pressure of her body on his, his hand sliding down to her buttock.  She still had on her bra and panties, and the feel of the silk under his fingers was arousing.  He felt her lightly thrust her hips, pushing her heat against his thigh, and his erection grew. 

Her hand continued following the trail up and down his body, each time coming closer to his center.  He raised his hand to the back of her neck and pulled her into another kiss, this one much more passionate, more insistent, than the last.  As their tongues twined together, her hand reached his hardened manhood and she caressed him through his boxers as she thrust her hips against his leg.  She whimpered softly then pulled her lips away from his.  She rolled on top of him and sat up, and he could feel the heat of her core against him.  She arched her back, her fingertips leaving a line of fire down his chest and sides.  He reached up to her and ran his hands up her ribs to the sides of her breasts.  He watched her nipples harden against the silk of her pink bra and used his thumbs to circle them. 

She reached behind her back to unhook her bra.  Chakotay longed to undress her, but he understood that she needed the control right now, needed to find her way into the love between them and break down the walls she had built around her heart.  He caressed her thighs as she set the clasp free and slid her bra off and onto the floor.  He sat up and took her nipple in his mouth, sucking lightly and dancing the tip of his tongue over her breast.  She arched her back again, pushing into his mouth while sliding her heated core over his.  His hand was squeezing her other breast and she grabbed his head, a soft moan escaping her lips.  She ran her fingers through his hair then pulled her breast away from him.  She pushed him back onto the bed and moved down until she found the band of his boxers.  He lifted his hips for her so she could slide them off and set him free.  When she had dropped them off side of the bed, she stood up and slowly slid her underwear down and kicked them off. 

She was standing at the foot of the bed, every curve and contour of her body revealed to him.  In his eyes, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and the sight of her nude body and the passion on her face sent a plasma flare through his nerves.  She straddled him again, keeping her body hovering above his as she leaned down to thrust her tongue in his mouth.  He grabbed her hips and ran his hands up her sides and back down to her buttocks, the feel of her soft skin swelling him even more.  Slowly, she lowered herself to him until he felt her slide over him.  She teased him, using his hardness to rub her swollen clit.  She was making soft, throaty sounds with each thrust of her hips, the fire building within her.  She broke the kiss and sat up, her back arching and pushing her against him. 

His breath was ragged, his heart pounding in his chest and his need for release threatening to overwhelm him.  “Kathryn,” he growled, “I can’t take much more.” 

She reached her hand between their bodies and grabbed his erection, already slick with her own need.  She slowly stoked him until he grabbed her hips and thrust his hips against her.  She guided the tip of his member along her wet folds until he was positioned at her opening, then she rose up on her knees and lowered herself slowly until he was inside her.  He could feel her tight core as she squeezed her muscles around him and he pushed his head back into the pillow, fighting to keep his hips from thrusting the rest of the way into her.  She rose up again until just the tip was inside her, her hand stroking the base of his shaft.  She gazed into his eyes and he was lost in a deep blue sea as she flicked her hips and took him into her burning core.  “Ahh!”  Her cry echoed through the room as she started to ride him, taking him deeper with each thrust.  She opened her legs wider and with the next buck against him, she took all of him. 

He knew he was fighting a losing battle for control over the building explosion within him.  He started thrusting in time with her, each downward buck of her hips meeting his upward surge and burying him to the hilt in her wet core.  His fingers slid from her hip and across her stomach until his thumb found her clit.  She cried out again and her muscles clenched around his cock.  She threw her head back, her hands grabbed onto his sides, and she rode him faster and harder.  He circled her clit with his thumb and felt the contractions around him each time he brushed over the sensitive button.  She cried out again.  “Chakotay, I’m going to come!”

His guttural moan joined hers as the next downward thrust sent her over the edge, her rippling muscles pulling him with her.  He jerked into her as deeply as he could and held her there, the flash of his release stiffening his body, his cries joining hers as the fires consumed them and they soared through the storm together.  He cried out again, lost to time and space in a world where there was only her, joined by heart and soul together in infinite and unbreakable bonds. 

Finally, the ripples inside her slowed and he slowed with her.  He slid his hands around her back and pulled her down into a long, tender kiss.  She rested against him, her breasts heaving against his chest, her arms shaking as braced them against the bed.  She rose off of him and stretched her body along his side, her muscles still trembling with the power of her release.  She stared into the dark pools of his eyes and knew deep in her soul that she would never be with another, that Chakotay was her lifeblood.

 

 *******************************************************************

 

When Chakotay awoke again, Kathryn’s side of the bed was empty.  He lay there for moment, recalling the events of the last couple of days and still hardly able to believe them.  He got up and pulled on his slacks, then found her sitting at her desk already in uniform, a stack of PADDs in front of her and coffee cup in hand.  She heard him stirring and with a soft smile said, “Hi.”

“Hi, you.  You’re up early.”

“Did you sleep well?” she asked. 

He crossed the room and bent down to kiss her.  “Very,” he grinned.  He looked down at his bare chest and rumpled slacks.  “I should go back to my quarters and get changed.”  He started to turn but she took his hand and held it. 

“You could keep some things here,” she told him.  “If you would like.” 

He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.  “I would like that.”  He gently squeezed her fingers then returned to the bedroom to put on the rest of his clothes.  On his way to the door, he asked her to join him in the mess hall in 20 minutes for breakfast before their shift. 

“Do you think that’s wise?” she asked, her brow furrowing slightly.  “The gossip is bound to be all over the ship by now.”

He smiled at her.  “I’m sure it is, but we have to face the music eventually.  If we are going to cause a scene, the mess hall would be better than the bridge again.”

She laughed, her face relaxing, and said, “I guess you’re right.  I will see you in 20 minutes.” 

She finished reading the reports just in time, straightened her uniform, and headed for the mess hall.  He was waiting for her outside the doors.  She reached his side, took a deep breath, and said, “Well, here we go.  Are you ready?”

He nodded his head once and they stepped together through the doorway.  Neelix was behind the counter in his usual place and there were about fifteen crewmen milling about, sitting down eating, and talking together.  Suddenly, the room stilled and all went quiet.  B’Ellana looked around at everyone then back to the couple and could see that the Captain was growing increasingly uncomfortable.  She rose from her chair, walked quickly to the Captain and Chakotay and threw her arms around them, hugging them both and kissing Chakotay on the cheek.  The room erupted in cheers and clapping and Kathryn blushed, both of them grinning widely.  After a few seconds, she held up her hand and said, “Please, as you were.” 

Neelix came toward them with fresh coffee and waved them to an empty table, even pulling the Captain’s chair out for her.  Kathryn stuck to her usual liquid breakfast while Chakotay ate as they discussed the day’s agenda, crew reports and general operations as they had always done when they dined together before a duty shift.  The crewmen hadn’t known what to expect from them, but as they saw their command team carry on with business as usual, they relaxed.  Chakotay soon finished his meal and they rose to leave.  Neelix hurried over to them and crowded closely, speaking softly, “Captain, Commander, I just want you know that the crew is very happy for you.  They have been buzzing about the two of you all morning, and all of the comments have been positive.  You don’t have to worry about a thing where the crew is concerned.”

Kathryn was silent for a moment as she looked at Chakotay, her eyes moistening, then she placed her hand on Neelix’s shoulder and flashed him a half-smile.  “Neelix, thank you.  That means a lot to me.”

Once in the corridor, they walked side by side in typical fashion, his shoulder slightly behind hers but not touching.  He looked at her out of the corner of his eye and whispered, “I know it is completely inappropriate, but that does not mean I don’t want to hold your hand while we walk.” 

She laughed but turned serious as she said, “When we are in uniform on duty, we have to be Captain and Commander, professional Star Fleet officers.”  She turned her head and winked at him.  “But that doesn’t mean I am not wishing you were holding my hand.” 

When they reached the bridge, they were greeted with more wide grins, and one Vulcan raised eyebrow, before the bridge officers returned to their duties.  She got the reports from each station and then asked Tuvok to join her in her ready room.  “You have the bridge, Commander.”  Her voice was its usual professional tone, though she did smile at him briefly before turning.

Tuvok followed her into her ready room and she offered him a cup of tea.  He declined, standing with his hands behind his back as he waited for the Captain to speak.  She went to the sofa and asked him to sit down.  “You were on the bridge last night during Q’s little display.  He was right, Chakotay and I are in love.  The rest of the ship knows about it by now, too, as we just witnessed in the mess hall.  They seem to be happy for us.”  She glanced at him with a worried look.  “Tuvok, you and I have served together for many years.  You are my oldest friend here, and often my counsel and conscience.  I would like to know your thoughts.”

“Captain,” he said, “are you asking for my opinion or my blessing?”

“A bit of both, I guess.”

“If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, a relationship between a Captain and her First Officer would be a blatant violation of protocol.  However, we have no idea when, or if, Voyager will see the Alpha Quadrant again.  I do not believe that Star Fleet ever took into account our unique situation when devising their regulations.”  He paused for a moment before continuing.

“While Vulcans do not express emotions, we are capable of understanding them, and we believe that the emotion of love can be the most dangerous of all.  However, I have on very rare occasions observed that in humans, when in the right circumstances and between the right people, love can be a source of great strength and calm.  I believe you and Commander Chakotay are the ‘right people’.  I have already seen that the bond between you has sometimes allowed you to accomplish things that logic would dictate was highly improbable for a successful outcome.  I consider you a valued friend, Captain, and the Commander’s contributions to this ship cannot be faulted.  If his love for you makes you stronger, happier, then I can only be pleased for you.”

Kathryn briefly gripped his forearm in thanks.  “Promise me something, Tuvok.  If you ever do think that my or the Commander’s judgment is being impaired by our relationship, you will tell me.  I count on your guidance and your logic, even if I do not always follow it.”

“You have my word, Captain.  And, if you wish it, my blessing.”

Tuvok returned to his station just as Kathryn’s com badge chirped.  “Seven of Nine to the Captain.”

“Yes, Seven?”

“Captain, I have completed the analysis of the sensor data from our slipstream travel.”

“Thank you, Seven.  I will review it from my ready room.”

“Acknowledged.”

Janeway returned to her desk and pulled up the data from astrometrics.  She was still engrossed in the reports an hour later when the door chimed.  “Come,” she called.

Chakotay entered with another PADD in his hand.  He handed it to her with a smile.  “The duty rosters, Captain.” 

She laughed softly at his use of her title.  “I will admit this is bit odd for me.  Separating work and home is going to take some practice.”

He leaned on her desk with a grin on his face.  “Have you been thinking about me?  Because I can’t get you out of my mind.  Well, that’s not exactly new for me, but still…  I am finding that imagining things was far different from experiencing them.”

She blushed and gave him that look that lit up a room and blinded him to all the world but her.  “Commander, just how long have you been fantasizing about your Captain?”

“Almost since the day we met,” he said huskily. 

She rested her elbow on the desk, lay her delicate fingers along her cheek, and purred, “One of these days you will have to tell me what you have been imagining.”  She twitched her eyebrows and said, “But, right now, we have work to do.” 

He straightened up and groaned, “You, my dear, are a tease.” 

She laughed and waved him out of the room.  When he was gone, she went to back to reviewing the reports.  She was finding it much harder to concentrate now.  After a few minutes she was finally getting her thoughts under control when the ship jolted and she was thrown forward into the edge of her desk. 

Kathryn jumped up and quickly entered the bridge, calling out, “Report!”

Ensign Kim answered, “Captain, there is a plasma conduit overheating in engineering.  Warp engines are offline.  B’Ellana is attempting to contain the problem.”

She turned toward the turbolift and said, “You have the bridge.  I’ll be in engineering.”  When she reached Deck 11, engineering was a flurry of activity and klaxons were still sounding.  “What’s happening?” she asked loudly.

B’Ellana answered, “One of the plasma conduits is overheated.  We’re trying to shut it down.  I can’t explain it, Captain.  Everything was checked out before we brought the warp core back online.”

Kathryn stepped quickly to the last workstation along the right wall.  Just as she reached it to check the readings, the conduit blew out.  She was thrown backward, landing awkwardly on her back, her head slamming into the floor, and burns appearing on the right side of her face. 

B’Ellana ran to the Captain while tapping her com badge.  “Torres to Transporter Room One!  The Captain is hurt.  Lock onto her signal and beam her directly to sick bay!”

Chakotay heard the report on the bridge a few seconds later.  Fear gripped his heart and he spun to look at Tuvok, wide-eyed and panicked.  Tuvok calmly told him, “There is nothing we can do from the bridge at the moment, Commander.”

 Chakotay hopped the steps and ran to the turbolift.  It seemed to take forever to reach sick bay.  When he finally entered the doors, the Doctor was working on Kathryn with a dermal regenerator.  She had a neural monitor on her forehead, her eyes were closed and she wasn’t moving.  “Kathryn!” he yelled as he ran to her side.  He was afraid to touch her, terrified not to, and stood with his hand raised toward her, trembling.

“Commander,” the Doctor said, “she has plasma burns on her face, arm and chest, a concussion, and a fractured ankle most likely caused by the way she landed when thrown backward in the explosion.  She is stable, but arrived here unconscious.  Because of the concussion, I am keeping her that way.”

Chakotay could see that her uniform was blackened and frayed along her right side.  Her right cheek, the one she had touched lightly while teasing with him just a short while ago in her ready room, was an angry red, the skin puckered and peeled in some places.  Her long, slender fingers that could light the passion in him with a simple touch were now bruised and blackened.  He heard a sob and realized it had come from himself.  Tears were spilling over his eyes as he studied her. 

“Commander,” the doctor said with compassion.  “Her left side appears to be okay.”

Chakotay gently picked up Kathryn’s hand while the Doctor continued his work on the other side.  He leaned over and softly pressed his lips to the back of her hand while he tried to gather himself together.  Touching her, feeling her steady pulse in her wrist, helped to calm him.  When he could speak, he asked, “How long will she be unconscious?

“I would like to keep her sedated for a few hours.  Her concussion was severe, and I don’t want to risk brain swelling by waking her up too soon.  When I am satisfied her burns are healed, I still need to treat the ankle.”  The Doctor looked up from his work to Chakotay.  “Commander, I understand your concern, but there is nothing you can do for her right now.  I will keep you informed of her progress and call you when I am ready to wake her up.  You two have been through this many times, _too_ many I might add.  Whichever of you is lying on this table, I am well aware that the other is going to be hovering nearby and waiting for my reports.”

Chakotay took one more long look at Kathryn, squeezed her hand and laid it back by her side.  “Thank you, Doctor.  I know you will take care of her.”

He left sick bay and headed toward Deck 11, reporting to Tuvok on his way.  When he reached engineering, they were still cleaning up the debris from the explosion.  B’Ellana saw him come in and went to him.  “Chakotay!  How is the Captain?”

Chakotay gave her the doctor’s report then looked at the damaged work station, his brow furrowed and his hands clenched.  “Chakotay, I’m sorry,” B’Ellana said in a small voice.

“For what?” he asked.

“We were trying to contain it.  I thought I almost had it under control.  That should have been me, Chakotay.  I should have been standing there instead of the Captain.  She took almost the full brunt of the explosion.  I’m so sorry.”  She looked forlorn, and he grasped her elbow. 

“B’Ellana,” he soothed, “It wasn’t your fault.  You know Kathryn.  If something is wrong with her ship, she is going to be in the middle of it.  Aside from being the Captain, she is one of the most qualified science officers and engineers we have.  You couldn’t have known it was going to blow at that exact moment.”

“I know but…” she started.  “Chakotay, you are my best friend, and I feel like it wasn’t the Captain that got hurt.  My mistake hurt the woman you love.”

He took her other elbow and turned her to fully face him.  “B’Ellana, she will always be the Captain first and foremost.  Our personal relationship cannot change that.  When we are in these uniforms and performing our duties, things are no different than they were last week.  You need to understand that.  The whole crew needs to understand that.  _You_ did not hurt the woman I love, B’Ellana.  Voyager’s Captain was injured in a shipboard malfunction.  It is not the first time, and probably won’t be the last.”  He sighed and released her arms.  Saying those things to her had also helped to fix them in his own mind. 

“Now,” he said firmly, “we both have jobs to do.  So what can you tell me?”

She became the Chief Engineer once again and gave him her report.  The data would need to be looked at further, but she suspected a microfracture in the conduit had caused the problem.  It would take about three hours to replace everything and get the warp drive back online.  He thanked her and started back to the bridge where he knew Kathryn would want him to be, glad to hear behind him B’Ellana’s voice barking out orders as he exited the doors.  If he could just keep telling himself the things he had told her, perhaps he could make it through the rest of his shift as First Officer.

 

************************************************************** 

 

Time seemed to slow to an infinitesimal crawl as Chakotay waited for news that Kathryn was ready to wake up.  He was on the bridge and trying very hard to keep his mind there.  He reviewed the duty rosters for what was probably the fifth time, read the inventory report from Neelix on the food stores and aeroponics bay yield, and paced the floor when he couldn’t think of anything else to do.  The Doctor had let him know an hour ago that Kathryn’s wounds were healed and she was resting comfortably.  He was grateful for the update, but had to fight the urge to call sick bay every five minutes for another.

Finally, B’Ellana reported that they were ready to bring the warp drive back online.  Once reassured that all the readings were normal, he instructed Tom to resume their course and speed at Warp 6.  The distraction did give him something to think about for 10 minutes, but his mind swiftly went back to the woman he loved.  He couldn’t remember being consciously in pain the times he had lain in sick bay under sedation, but somehow that did not ease his mind that she was not hurting.  What if something was wrong the Doctor couldn’t detect?  What if the alien that had invaded her brain and kept showing Kathryn her own death over and over had come back?  What if they were attacked and the Doctor couldn’t protect her?  Was she hungry?  Or thirsty?

Chakotay closed his eyes and tried to force himself to take deep breaths.  At the helm, Tom heard a loud exhale from him and turned.  “Commander,” he said softly.  Chakotay jumped and his eyes flew open, then relaxed when he realized what he was doing.  He was letting his imagination run away with him, and he gave Tom a small, sheepish smile. 

“Commander,” Tom said again.  “Everything is under control.  Why don’t you go visit the Captain.”  He could see the uncertainty play across the Commander’s face, unsure where he should be right now: on the bridge or in sick bay.  Tom tried again.  “We haven’t picked up anything on sensors, the warp engines are operating normally, and we are lucky enough to be in a friendly part of space right now.  We can handle the bridge, but the Captain needs you.”

The realization dawned on Chakotay that a few days ago, before he and Kathryn were lovers, before they had confronted their feelings for each other, he would have been to sick bay three times by now.  He was trying so hard to not let their new personal relationship change everything, that he had gone the complete opposite and kept himself away from her, trying to stay at his station when he really wasn’t needed.  He nodded a thank you to Tom at the helm and strode to the turbo lift, handing the bridge command over to Tuvok. 

When Chakotay entered sick bay and saw her, he released the breath he had not realized he was holding.  Her face was soft and peaceful, only a faint pink color showing where the burns had been.  Her fingers were relaxed against the bed and she did seem to be resting comfortably.  The Doctor came out of his office and followed him to Kathryn’s side.

“She is doing fine, Commander,” the Doctor assured him.  “I was going to call you soon, anyway.  I was just reviewing her latest scans, and I believe she can be awakened safely now if you would like to stay.  She may be a little groggy, and you may have to fill her in on the details of the accident.  I am uncertain how much of it she will remember.”

Chakotay carried a stool over to her side and sat down with his hand resting on her arm.  The Doctor administered the hypospray and continued to scan her with a tricorder as she came around.  Her eyes opened and she smiled sleepily, her voice whispering, “Chakotay.”

“Hi,” he smiled at her.  “How do you feel?” 

She tried to sit up on her elbows, but fell back before the Doctor could push her back down.  She grabbed her forehead and groaned, “My head hurts.” 

“Captain, how much do you remember?” the Doctor asked her.

“I was in engineering.  B’Ellana said a conduit was overheating.  I was going to check…something…I think.  I can’t remember.” 

The Doctor looked at Chakotay and indicated for him to tell her.

“Kathryn, you had an accident.  You were going to check the readings on a work station.  The conduit behind it blew just as you reached it.  You suffered plasma burns, a severe concussion, and a broken ankle.  You were transported directly here.” 

“How long?” she asked, her voice dry and cracking.

“It has been about five hours.  The Doctor had to keep you sedated for a while.”

“The ship?”

“Everything is fine.  The plasma conduit has been repaired and we are back on course at Warp 6.”

“And B’Ellana?” she asked, reaching over to place her hand on his.

“She is fine.  You were the only one injured in the explosion.”

“You did tell her it was not her fault, didn’t you?” Kathryn said with a frown.

Chakotay smiled at her.  “How did you know?”

“Because I know B’Ellana.  That warp drive is an extension of her, and she takes every little hiccough personally.  She also loves you like a brother.  She would rather die than hurt you or someone you love.”

He leaned down and kissed the top of her hand.  “She was upset, but I talked to her.”  Chakotay softly caressed the right side of Kathryn’s face.  “You scared me,” he told her quietly.

She held him in her gaze and squeezed his hand.  She turned to look at the Doctor and tried to sit up again while asking, “When do I get out of here, Doctor?”

He let out an exasperated sigh and checked the tricorder data.  “Normally, I would make someone with your injuries stay in sick bay overnight.  However, since you rarely follow my orders anyway, I will compromise.  I am going to give you something for the headache and release you to your quarters, but only if Commander Chakotay agrees to stay with you.” 

Chakotay had moved over beside Kathryn to help her sit up, and he grinned at her.  “I was already planning to before this happened.”  

The Doctor rolled his eyes as he pressed another hypospray to her neck and instructed her, “Return immediately to sick bay if you experience any nausea, dizziness, or worsening headache.”  He looked pointedly at Chakotay.  “She needs rest, Commander.” 

“Thank you, Doctor,” Kathryn smiled at him.  She was his worst patient, and he had performed more life-saving procedures on her than any Star Fleet doctor, hologram or not, should have to do for a captain.  But such was life in the Delta Quadrant, and they both knew things would not be changing anytime soon.

Chakotay helped Kathryn off the bio-bed and assured the Doctor he would make sure she rested.  She was in a medical gown and asked about her uniform.  “It was pretty shredded in the explosion,” Chakotay told her. 

The Doctor spoke up, “I am going to have you transported to your quarters, Captain, so don’t worry about the uniform.  Remember, you came in here with a fractured ankle.  The bones have been healed, but it will probably be sore and you should limit your walking at least until tomorrow.  I would say longer, but that never works with you, either.”  He gave another exasperated sigh and arranged the site-to-site transport for them.

When they appeared in her quarters, Chakotay put his arm under hers to help her to the sofa.  “I’m fine,” Kathryn said.  “I can walk.” 

He smiled at her, “I know.  I just want to help.”

She walked the few steps and settled on the cushion.  “You can help by getting me some coffee,” she told him.

“You should eat something, too, Kathryn.”

“I will, but right now I am more thirsty than hungry.”

Chakotay got them both a cup of coffee from the replicator and joined her on the sofa, putting his arm behind her head.  She leaned into him and wrapped her hands around her cup.  She could see faint pink skin on her right hand and she held up her fingers.  “Where were all the burns?” she asked him. 

“Your right side.”  He tried to state it matter-of-factly, but he failed as his voice caught.  “Your face, chest, arm and hand.”

She pressed into his side and said, “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“As I told B’Ellana, it was not the first time you have been injured on this ship, and it won’t be the last.  You scared me every other time, too.”

She could tell he was trying to act like it was just another day, but it wasn’t.  “What did you do?” she asked him softly. 

He was silent for few seconds before he answered her.  “I know I said nothing would really change if we had a relationship, but I discovered today that is not true.  I had a much harder time knowing you were in sick bay this time.  I was so focused on trying to do what you would want me to, stay on the bridge and take care of the ship and not let anything be affected, and driving myself crazy in the process, that I finally realized that is not what I would I have done before.  We have always visited each other several times whenever one of us was sick or injured.”  He laughed softly and told her about the Doctor’s observation.  “Even the Doctor said, and I quote, ‘Whichever of you is lying on this table, I am well aware that the other is going to be hovering nearby and waiting for my reports.’  And he was right.  We have always done that, until today.  I changed everything by trying too hard to not let things change.”

Kathryn took another sip of her coffee and set the cup on the table in front of them.  She leaned back into the crook of his arm and put her hand on his thigh.  “I guess this was the first test of our new relationship.  The first of many tests, I’m afraid.  This is not going to be easy, Chakotay, no matter how much we wish it to be so.”

He kissed the top of her head and hugged her to him.  “I know.  We have to find the balance between our devotion to the ship and crew, and our devotion to each other.  We can do it, Kathryn, but I can’t pretend that things are just as they were.  As much as I have loved you these past years, knowing now that you return those feelings makes me incredibly happy and incredibly scared at the same time.  The very nature of our jobs and our lives out here means that we go into each day having no idea what we are getting into.”

She moved back slightly so she could look him in the face.  “Chakotay,” she said quietly, her voice trembling, “is this going to be too hard?  Are we sure we want to do this, to start something together when our lives are so uncertain?  Voyager has to come first.  There can be no question of that; no second-guessing command of her because of each other.”

Cold gripped Chakotay’s heart at her words.  His voice pleaded with her, “Kathryn, I can’t go back.  Please don’t ask me to go back to the way things were.  I can’t do it.”  

She studied his face and the anguish in his eyes.  “No,” she said gently, gripping his leg.  “We can’t go back.  But can we go forward?  How do we find that balance?”

“By loving each other,” he told her.  “I don’t know any other way.  Somewhere in the midst of this ship, the crew, and our journey toward home, is us.”  

 

******************************************************** 

 

Kathryn tipped her head and rose up to meet his lips with hers.  Her questions and uncertainty seemed to melt away in his arms to be replaced by a burning desire to possess him and be possessed by him.  Her lips parted and she found his tongue, her hand rising to the nape of his neck to pull him down to her.  No other man had ever set her body aflame with a simple kiss the way Chakotay did.  She felt his grip tighten around her shoulder as his other hand encircled her waist, his strong arms holding her up in the kiss, his body turning toward hers. 

Suddenly, he broke free and his dark chocolate eyes locked with her cobalt blues.  “Kathryn,” he panted, the passion evident in his voice, “you are supposed to be resting.  You saw the look the Doctor gave me.”

She giggled.  “That was quite a stare, wasn’t it?  But I feel fine Chakotay.”  Her alto dropped deeper.  “I want you, Chakotay.  Make love to me.” 

“I want to, darling.  Believe me, I do!  But we can’t push your healing.  The Doctor can work wonders, but your body still needs to recover.  I don’t want to hurt you.” 

She pulled her legs up onto the sofa and shifted her body so that she was on her knees, looking down into his face.  She inhaled deeply, swelling her breasts against him.  “You would never hurt me,” she crooned as she slid her hands over his shoulders and chest.  “I need you, Chakotay.”

“Oh gods,” he groaned.  He reached for her hands and pulled them off his chest then stood up and stepped away from the couch.  “Kathryn, you were badly injured just a few hours ago.  I am supposed to be taking care of you.”

“That’s what I am asking you to do,” she purred.  She stood up and walked to him, once more running her hands up and down the strong muscles of his chest.  Maybe it was the brush with death, maybe she needed to reaffirm life, or maybe it was their newfound love, but she wanted to feel him, to be claimed by him, to be a woman taken by a man in the most basic of carnal human desires.  “Please,” she begged, leaning into him for another kiss. 

She was a woman possessed.  Chakotay’s reservations were brushed away with the roaming of her hands over his body, insistent and urgent.  Her delicate fingers seemed to be everywhere at once, leaving trails of fire in their wake.  His body responded to her call as his mind seemed to retreat to the corner.  There was only Kathryn and her need to be filled.  His tongue circled hers, darting in and out of her mouth in imitation of what was to come.  He couldn’t get enough of her.  Her arms slid under his, her hands gripping his back as if trying to pull him into her where they stood.  She reached for his shirt and roughly pulled it off his body, throwing it behind her.  She found the button of his pants and released it, pushing the material to the floor.  He kicked off his shoes and stepped out of the slacks, reaching down with one hand to pull off his socks off while still exploring her mouth with his.

Kathryn was still in the medical robe, and it took her only a microsecond to snatch it over her head and toss it away.  She had not been redressed in a bra because of her burns, and her breasts pebbled in the cool air, her nipples hardening instantly.  She reached for Chakotay’s head and pulled his lips to her breast roughly.  He took it into his warm mouth and nipped little circles over and around the flesh.  She gasped, pulling him to her harder. 

Chakotay reached to her buttocks and tugged her into him, his hard cock brushing against her center.  She moaned and pushed forward to him, the little noises escaping her throat telling him she wanted it rough.  She pushed her underwear to the floor and worked them off with her toes.  “Take me, Chakotay,” she whispered in his ear.  She circled his hardness with her hand, pulling the tip of his member to her wet folds.  She slid along the length once then found her clit, her hand stroking him against the swollen button.  “Oh!” she cried. 

“Take what you want, Kathryn,” he growled to her. 

In their struggle to remove their clothing and in the roughness of their play, they had managed to dance step backward until Chakotay felt the chair at the end of the dining table against his bare skin.  Suddenly, he reached behind him and knocked the chair out of the way with a clatter, then picked her up in his strong arms and turned until she was on the table.  She perched on the edge, her hands clinging to the back of his neck and her legs spreading wide.  He could see the wet folds of her and he found her clit again, rubbing the underside of his manhood in long strokes over it. 

“Oh, Chakotay!” she cried.  Her legs wrapped around his and she moved her arms back one at a time to brace on the table, leaning backward and arching into him.  “I want to come, Chakotay,” she groaned. 

He continued sliding over her, following the rhythm of her legs against his.  Her moans were getting louder, her breaths sharp and shallow.  He watched her approaching climax play out over her face and fought for control over his own body.  He was determined to win the struggle, reveling in her complete abandonment.  Her hips were moving constantly, and he stilled his own and gripped the base of his shaft with one hand, letting her use him to push herself over the edge.  Her head turned to the side, her mouth opened, her stomach clenched, and her building cry rang through the room.  He felt the twitching in her thighs around his, saw the muscles of her lower stomach contracting and her arms trembling as she came.  When the spasms started to slow, he quickly pulled himself away from her and bent over, sucking her swollen clit between his lips.  He pushed a finger into her wet center and held it there as his mouth clamped around her. 

“Oh gods!” she cried.  She grabbed the top of head with her hands and tried to push him away, but his powerful hand on her thigh held her in place.  He knew she was hypersensitive almost to the point of pain, so he lessened his pressure, withdrawing his finger a little and gently pressing up just inside her, the tip of his tongue barely brushing across her clit.  She was writhing her hips, her thighs jerking with each light taste he took of her, her hands alternately pushing at him and pulling her to him.  “Chakotay,” she gasped.  “Please!” 

His only answer was a vibrating “mmmm” against her as his tongue continued its exploring.  He felt her contract around his finger once, then again, and her alto voice rang out even louder than before, her back arching off the table and her head curling forward.  He held her fast as she rode out the second orgasm, her ecstasy pushing his own need to the breaking point. 

He stood up and pulled her back to the very edge of the table with one hand while taking his shaft in the other and guiding it to her opening.  With the last of her contractions still tightening her core, he thrust forward and entered her as fast and far as he could go.  Again, she cried out.  “Yes!  Take me!”

He didn’t even try to fight his own rising climax.  He drove into her deep and hard, holding her in place on the table with his hands on her hips, pulling her onto him with each thrust.  His own grunts were joining hers as every nerve in his body fired.  She gripped the edge of the table on each side of her and increased the force of their joining.  He felt his cock reach even deeper inside her at the same time she contracted her walls around him, and his groans became a shout as he drove into her once more and exploded inside her.  “That’s it, baby!” she crooned to him.  “Come for me!” 

His body locked against hers as his orgasm pumped inside her, his legs shaking and his hands grasping her hips.  There was nothing but bright light and the sound of his own voice yelling her name and the feel of her hot center encircling him, trapping his soul in the power that was Kathryn.  He finally fell forward, bracing his elbows on the table, his body trembling against hers and his legs barely holding him up.  His chest heaved and his head spun.  After an eternity, colors and shapes and dimension began to return and he regained some control over his muscles.  He felt her hands softly caressing his back, her legs still draped around his and her feet hooked together.

He raised his head to see her glazed eyes, knowing his were the same.  He wanted to say something but couldn’t think of anything that didn’t sound ridiculous after what they had just experienced.  So, he simply stared lovingly into the sea of her eyes and was content.

Finally, he remembered what it was she was supposed to be doing, which was resting and healing.  He knew from experience that her need for the rough-and-tumble lovemaking they had just shared was healing for her soul, setting her firmly back in the land of the living.  He was concerned for her body, though, after the power of their release.  “Are you okay?” he asked.

She smiled luridly and said, “I’m fine.  I will never look at this table the same way again, though.” 

He chuckled and stood up, pulling her up with him.  “Maybe we should eat at the other end for a while,” he smirked. 

They made their way somewhat shakily back to the sofa, and she curled into his side.  “Does your head hurt?” he asked, concerned.

“No, not really,” she said against his side.

“Not really?”

“No more than it did before.”  She draped her arm over him and said, “I know you were worried about me, but I’m fine now.  I promise.”  He kissed the top of her head and ran his fingers through her hair, gently massaging her scalp. 

“Mmmm,” she sighed.  “That feels good.” 

He kept it up for a couple of minutes more then dropped his hand to her bare shoulder.  “We still need to eat.  Why don’t you go lie down while I replicate something for dinner?”

“Actually, I would love to take a bath,” she said. 

“That sounds like a good idea.  Do you want some help?”

She laughed.  “Are you planning to get in with me?”

“No,” he grinned.  “Not this time, anyway.”

“Hmm, something to look forward to.”  She kissed him and headed for the bathroom.  He watched her walking, still concerned, but she did not seem to be limping and her posture was straight as always.  He waited until he heard the bath water running then went to the replicator to start dinner. 

While he was working, Chakotay remembered their earlier conversation.  He didn’t care how hard it might be to find their way as both Voyager’s command team and command couple.  He marveled at the woman who was so incredibly strong yet could give herself so completely to the people she cared for without losing that strength; a heart and will open to everyone but braced by a core of diamond hardness.  She was the wonder and the mystery that was Kathryn Janeway, and he looked forward to spending the rest of his days trying to solve the puzzle. 

Chakotay finished putting together their meal and went to the bathroom to check on Kathryn.  She was lying back in the warm water, the length of her hair pushed upward over the rim of the tub and framing her face, her eyes closed.  He sat on the edge of the bath and she turned toward her head toward him, the light dancing off her hair and the beads of water on her skin.  “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” he asked. 

She smiled softly, a faint blush rising on her skin.  “A few times, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop.”

He caressed her hair away from her face.  “You look sleepy.”

“Happy,” she sighed.

He laughed.  “Okay then, happy and sleepy.  Let’s eat and then we can go to bed.  We have the beta shift tomorrow, so we can sleep late.”  She raised one eyebrow and crooked her mouth at him.  “Well, _I_ can sleep late, and you can take it easy for a while longer.”  He knew that no matter how many hours she had been working on the bridge, or solving seemingly impossible problems, or chasing hostile aliens across the Delta Quadrant, she never slept more than four hours or so a night.  She was one of those people that was genetically wired for action.  He kept up with her step-for-step when the situation called for it, but under normal circumstances he required more sleep.

She stood up from her bath and he wrapped a towel around her, holding her as she stepped out of the tub.  “How is the ankle?” he asked her. 

“A little stiff, but not painful,” she replied.

“And the headache?”

“A bit better since the bath,” she told him.

“Are you dizzy or nauseous?”

She gave him a stern look, although her voice was light as she admonished, “Chakotay, enough.  I should be glad the Doctor didn’t send you home with me every time I left sick bay.”

He flashed her a shy grin.  “But then you would have missed the dinner… table.”

She laughed and kissed him on the cheek as she walked to the bedroom to put on her robe.  She called to him, “I actually am hungry now.  But, can we eat on the couch, please?”

 

*********************************************** 

 

The next morning, Chakotay woke up alone in Kathryn’s quarters.  It was still a bit disorienting to not wake up in his own bed, and he found himself worrying that her absence meant something had gone wrong.  His lips curled into a smile and he thought to himself, “Oh, you’ve got it bad.  You report to her, not the other way around, remember?”  He pulled on yesterday’s uniform and returned to his quarters to shower and change.  Once freshly dressed, he wondered if she could join him for breakfast.  “Computer, locate the Captain.”

“Captain Janeway is in engineering,” the voice intoned.

He considered checking in with her but decided against it.  If something had come up with the ship, she would have informed him.  He ordered breakfast from the replicator and sat down to eat.  The quiet seemed to sneak up on him until it was almost overwhelming.  This was the first time he had really been alone with time to think since Kathryn had called him to her quarters in the middle of the night to listen to the message from his future self.  It was strange to think of that timeline no longer existing, so that Chakotay that sent the message no longer existed either.  “If only you could know then what I know now,” he said to that version of himself. 

So much had happened between Kathryn and him in the short time since that late night argument.  The attraction and mutual respect that deepened into love had been there for years, but being able to confront those feelings head on and have them returned was still very new.  He pictured her face and the way her smile lit up her eyes, the way her curves were undeniably feminine even in the gender-neutral Star Fleet uniform, the way her long, slender fingers gestured so elegantly no matter if she was caressing him or gripping the barrel of a plasma rifle.  He wanted her; not just for today, or just a distraction from the endless journey home, but for life. 

There was no question he longed for her to be his wife, and he wondered what would be a respectable time to wait to ask her.  In a way, they already knew they could live together since they had done so on New Earth.  They were both quiet people, though she was a bit less social than he.  He knew that had more to do with her rank on the ship than her personality, though.  He suspected that if they were in the Alpha Quadrant, she would have plenty of friends and social activities.  He loved it on those rare occasions when she did let her hair down, so to speak, on the holodeck or at Neelix’s parties.  When not crushed under the weight of Voyager, she was quick to laugh and enjoy life with a brightness that stopped his heart in his chest. 

He knew the tremendous strain she felt as Captain Janeway, and in those few moments when she had let down her guard with him and shown him, he had to wonder if he would not have broken under that stress long ago.  Before the past few days, he had been determined to help her in any way he could.  Now, he was damned if she would ever be or feel alone again.  He would be her First Officer, her Chakotay, and as soon as he felt she was receptive to the idea, her husband.  His heart could not accept anything less. 

With a soft smile on his face, he cleared away the remains of his breakfast and tidied up his quarters.  He remembered that the morning before she was injured, Kathryn had told him he could keep some things in her cabin.  He started putting a few essentials, a fresh uniform, and a set of casual clothing in a small bag.  He went to the drawer to retrieve pajamas, then let out a chuckle as he remembered that Q’s “gifts” were still in her room.  He decided the black silk pants might be nice to sleep in and packed a soft gray T-shirt to go with them.  His com badge chirped as he was zipping the bag. 

“Janeway to Chakotay,” her voice said.

“Yes, Captain,” he answered.  Using her title felt a bit awkward considering he was essentially packing things to move into her place, but he didn’t know where she was or who was near her. 

“I’m in the turbolift,” she told him, letting him know that for the moment she was alone.  “Join me for coffee?”

“I’m in my quarters,” he said.  “Why don’t you come here and I’ll have some waiting.”

“I’m on my way.”  Abruptly, her voice stiffened.  “Janeway out.”

He smiled at the contrast.  Someone must have gotten on the turbolift with her.  He wondered if they would ever reach a point when the jolting shifts from command team to couple would not be necessary.  It wasn’t just the crew that needed to get used their new relationship. 

A couple of minutes later, his door chimed.  He called her in and immediately ordered two coffees from the replicator.  By the time the door closed behind her, he was holding two steaming cups and gesturing her to the sofa.  “I will have your biosignature added to the door security,” he told her.  “In the meantime, you can use the code.  You don’t have to wait for me to answer it.”

She smiled shyly.  “I wasn’t thinking.  At least, not about security codes.” 

He leaned into her and kissed her soft lips.  “I missed you this morning.”

“I went to see B’Ellana.  I know you talked to her, but I wanted to reassure her myself that I am quite well and she was not at fault.  We had a nice talk.”

“About what?” he asked curiously.

“About us, you and me,” Kathryn said softly.  “I know she is your best friend on this ship, and you two have known each other a long time.  I wanted to know her thoughts.”

“And?”

“She is very happy for us.  She told me that you have loved me for a long time and have wanted nothing more than to show me.”  Kathryn smiled.  “She also was concerned, and in no uncertain terms warned me that if I was just playing with you, was not intending to see this through, my being her Captain would not matter.”

Chakotay raised his eyebrows in surprise.  “What did she say?”

Kathryn laughed.  “She told me that if I hurt you, the next plasma conduit explosion would not be an accident.” 

Chakotay grinned.  “I guess with Q watching me, and B’Ellana watching you, we have no choice but to make this work.”

Kathryn’s eyes tightened and her smile faded.  She said quietly, “Talking to people the last couple of days has made me realize how much I have wronged you, Chakotay.  You were right, the whole damn ship does know how strongly you feel about me, have felt about me, for a long time.  Even Tuvok saw a special bond between us.”  Her eyes teared up.  “I was wrong to ignore those feelings.  I know that now.  I thought I was doing us both a favor sticking to protocol and refusing to acknowledge the uniqueness of our situation.  I love you so much.  Can you ever forgive me?”

He moved to her and took her in his arms, bringing her head to his shoulder.  “Kathryn, love, we talked about this.  Please, there is nothing to forgive.  You were doing what you thought was right.  It may have hurt sometimes, but I did understand it even if I didn’t want to.”  He lightly brushed a tear from her cheek with his fingertip.  “You have let me in now, and that is more than enough for me.”

“Chakotay, there is something else B’Ellana and I talked about that we need to discuss.”  She sat up so she could face him, appearing to distance herself a bit from him. 

“What is it?” he asked with concern.

Kathryn took a deep breath and seemed to almost square her shoulders.  “She reminded me of how much you love children and have always wanted to have a child.  I always thought I would have a child someday, too, but not here; not on Voyager.  I can’t.”

He looked stricken for moment and glanced away from her.  “B’Ellana should not have brought that up, but since she did, we need to discuss it.  Why can’t you, Kathryn?”

“Think about it, please.  A child would change everything.  I would not be able to command while pregnant, not with the hell this ship goes through on a regular basis.  Take yesterday for a perfect example.  We were not even in a battle and I managed to almost die in a malfunction.  A baby would never have survived that explosion.”

“But if you were pregnant, you wouldn’t have run into the middle of the disaster in the first place,” he said.

“That is my point, Chakotay!  It would change the way I command, the way _we_ command.  You and I being together will alter things somewhat, but not essentially change things.  A child would.  Simply sitting at my desk yesterday when we suddenly dropped out of warp, I was thrown against the edge.  What if I were pregnant?  What kind of damage would a blow like that have done?  I have been burned, shot, infected, bodily invaded…  Hell, Chakotay, just walking to the mess hall is a hazard in this Quadrant.  I cannot retain the Captaincy on Voyager with a child, and I am not going to give it up.  If we make it home in the next few years, there is still time for us to have our own children.  If not, then we can adopt, or become babysitters on Voyager in our retirement when the younger crew is ready to take over.   But I will not, cannot budge on this issue, Chakotay.  I will not bear a child as long as we are in the Delta Quadrant.”

He was silent for several moments, his mouth drawn and his body stiff.  Slowly, he seemed to relax and he finally looked at her again.  “I know you are right, Kathryn.  Naomi has fared wonderfully on Voyager, and if we are out here long enough, I am sure other crewmembers will begin families.  But this is one more of many sacrifices we have made, and will make, as her commanders.  I would rather be a Godfather like Neelix to those babies than to bring one into the complicated structure of Captain and First Officer and everything that entails.  It would change everything from your captaincy to simple things like away missions.”  He looked at her seriously.  “But, I will hold you to your promise.  If we get home in time, I want children of our own.”

“So do I, Chakotay.  So do I.”  She slumped against him and sighed into his chest.  “I still do not deserve you, but I love you too much to care anymore.  I just need to know that you don’t resent me for the past, for pushing you away so many times when I wanted nothing more than to let you near.  I need to know that those past hurts, and this new one, can be healed if I am to be your wife.”  As soon as she heard herself say it, she cringed.  Her hand flew to her mouth and her breath stopped.  _“Gods, Kathryn!  He has never mentioned wanting you for his wife,”_ she scolded herself.

She felt his hand gently pull hers away from her face.  He tipped her chin to him and gazed at her.  He could see turmoil, almost fear, in her eyes.  “Do you mean it?” he asked softly.  “Will you be my wife?”

She hesitated for a moment, uncertain if he was asking because he wanted to or because of her blunder.  “I have thought about it.  Have you?”

He smiled.  “Oh, yes, Kathryn, I have thought about it.  I have been thinking about it all morning but was afraid it was too soon to ask, that I would scare you off.  I was going to wait for the right time, and that time is now.  Kathryn Janeway, will you marry me?”

Her face softened and her blue eyes brightened.  “Yes, Chakotay.” 

He pulled her into a deep, lingering kiss, his strong hands bringing her body across his lap and cradling her.  When they finally pulled apart, she could see the joy on his face.  The past hurts, her wrongs against him, faded from her worries once again as she trailed her hand down his cheek.  They stared into each other’s eyes, a mingling of souls that had been battered, bruised, forged and fused together by a life unexpected but relished just the same.  They would never waver from their journey together toward Federation space, but each knew they were already home.   

 


End file.
